The Hill - Transcript

Alone, they huddled together, desperate and broken. Far are the cries when dampened by the wars that rage.

This is their story.

Gregory: The decision was made by way of a vote, all votes anonymous, and a few nervous smiles spread as Pieter pulled each out of the hat. Pieter was sweating profusely, he often did, but he looked in control, only the slightest shaking of his left hand betrayed what I thought was fear. The vote was tallied and the decision made, we were now to build a raft and move on from the island that had been our home for the last seven years.

The raft took all of three weeks to build, and was a very quiet time for us all. I was given the task of managing the build as my Greek heritage saw to it that I knew more than I should about seafaring. I smiled quietly - I am an expert on two things really, and the other is chicken. Most of us kept to ourselves during this time in nervous anticipation and restlessness and when at last the day came to launch the atmosphere was stale and terse.

Pieter: The launch went well - a good sign - and everybody finally had a chance to laugh, releasing some of the tension that had strangled us these past few weeks. Wiggy accidentally slipped when he climbed on the raft and howled in pain and frustration as his head hit on the edge of the raft while toppling back into the warm ocean. We all roared with laughter and it really lifted everybody’s spirit, even Wiggy could see the funny side as Dave helped him back up and gave him a hug.

Gareth had trusted me with a secret many years ago and I smiled as I realised that our current situation, with us all squashed in close proximity, would soon see this out in the open.

Dave: Dopey stood firm at the bow, his head into the wind as it pushed his long dark hair back. His strong, thick jaw clenched and his eyes surveying the horizon. He seemed so brave and unfazed as he pulled his trousers up a little higher. He turned to me and smiled.
“What do you think our chances are?”, I asked cautiously.
“Well hello man. Don’t get all teary eyed, you Muppet”
“I can’t take this anymore, I just… just… want to be back home”
“Well, close your eyes, keep bleating and I am sure you will be there in no time”

Dopey and I had been friends for eleven years and I knew he did not mean the things he said and that inside he was sensitive and caring. I could see through the hard outer cast of defensive, bespoke armour.

Dopey: I stood firm at the bow with my head into the wind as it blew back my hair. I was troubled by the recent events and pulled my trousers up a little higher. It had been a time for reflection and my mind wondered back to memories I had thought were buried forever. I turned around and noticed Dave looking at me - that little punk was a fairy just waiting to pounce on his gay world of care-bears and short, tight, white jeans. I shivered when I realised that he had probably been staring at my arse. Our conversing was interrupted by the screams of laughter and I turned to see Wiggy pointing at Gareth and rolling around with delight.

Gregory: I was deep in thought, when Wiggy came to me and told me his story. Gareth had come to him and asked if he would come for a ‘swaz’ over the edge. Apparently Gareth looked desperate and was sweating more than Pieter at a vegetarian buffet. In his desperation he revealed to Wiggy that he was unable to ‘go’ if there was nobody standing next to him. At first Wiggy thought he was kidding, we all knew about Gareth’s propensity to only use the toilet at his home, but surely he had lost that habit after being stranded for seven years. When Wiggy realised he was serious, he could not help himself and burst into uncontrolled giggles. Dave came over and as soon as he heard about the problem happily volunteered to be Gareth’s aid. I curled up for some warmth and tried to keep the increasing swells out of my mind, Kirkland had things under control.

Kirkland: I was at the helm and had things under control. I had managed the build of the raft and was the only one capable of piloting us through the worsening weather. The raft pitched and rolled violently on the ocean but land was in sight and everyone was in high spirits. It took all of eighteen hours to hit the backline but that was when we all realised that landing this raft would not be a painless affair. I have never seen such waves or such fury emanating from the sea and sky. With a crash that matched the thunder minutes earlier, the raft clashed with the rocks, throwing bodies forward with distaste. The last thing I remembered was seeing limbs against sky and then darkness. When I came to I could hear screaming, it chilled me to the bone and I longed to find him. Who could it be? Why can’t I see? I wiped my eyes and realised I was badly cut on my head and had blood flowing down and blurring my vision. Once I had composed myself, I looked around - I was on a rock still about 30 metres from the sand and the screaming was coming from my right. I looked across to see Wiggy, naked and bloodied, in obvious pain. Everyone else seemed to be on shore and I swam over rescue Wiggy as quickly as I could, my legs feeling very weak. When I arrived all I could hear was surf and thunder, the screaming had stopped. Wiggy was lost.

Porto: We all assembled on the beach and held a ceremony for Wiggy. It was hard to believe, we had all grown so close given the circumstances and it was like losing a brother or as Scully always said, ‘my brother from another mother’. I cried softly for the life that could have been. Frank paid tributes to a brave man that had fought hard and had given himself up to the cause. He was, in Frank’s words, “the jaw-bone of our sole (sic)”. Dave mentioned Wiggy was "his sun, his moon, and boet, you made me tinkle". Dave ended by saying "we shall stumble on like mad puppies in the night".

The next three days were spent recovering but on the forth day we made our way slowly toward the hill which strangely circled the beach. There was no way any of us were going to go back in the water and we could see no alternate route but the climb would be difficult and dangerous and everyone seems unwilling to take the lead. My gold tooth was causing me real pain but this was the last thing on my mind.

Scully: I clawed my way up, heaving and sweating but I had made it. I looked down and called for everyone to follow before lying back and relaxing. I absently scratched my rash and had the same pang of regret that invaded my mind every day for the past twelve years, ever since I borrowed Kirkland’s soap. When everyone joined me we took a bit of time to make a rough camp. The top of the hill was very close and an easy twenty minute climb but we would do that tomorrow, well rested.

Ryan: Sometime during the night I heard what sounded like barking, perhaps a dog. I knew, as we all did, that dingoes bark, but took comfort that there was unlikely to be dingoes near. I decided against waking the boys and rather slept warily up against Dopey’s leg.

Dopey: I awoke before dawn to find Ryan sleeping with his head on my crotch. It was colder than the Ethiopian Highlands and I was shivering. I did not wake up Ryan.

Ryan: The next day we made the top of the hill, only to find a very large hut. The hut was fenced and built so that we could not see what lay behind it. We were excited at the thought of people but nervous that we could be stumbling upon more savages. Gareth and Dave agreed to investigate while the rest of us lay in wait. I looked across at Pronkie, he had already made himself comfortable and looked content on his patch of grass. He appeared to have no problem being on the move and even wore the t-shirt, ragged and torn but with logo still visible, ‘home is where you park it’.

Pronkie: I was dead tired and collapsed in my make shift bed, demanding and expecting sleep. The mind though can be bullish and my thoughts drifted back to the island and the unfortunate events surrounding our situation. I needed escape. I needed to be free.

Frank: We had not heard from Gareth or Dave for the full day and dusk was slowly creeping up on us. I had that unsettling feeling in the stomach, I giggled to myself as I compared it to that awful moment when you walk into a Gents loo and see someone washing their hands, only to walk into the recently vacated stall. I mused at how often I made that wrong decision.

My thick, ginger moustache tingled, as it often did when I sense something is wrong, and then I heard the growling. We were used to Porto snoring but this was terrifying. It did not take long for all of us to realise there was something in the darkness, stalking us. In my mind it was a Rottweiler, I am not sure what everyone else thought but the growl was menacing and mobilised us quickly. We all scampered over the wall, Scully leading the way and nobody daring to look back, once inside the hut we felt safe, at least until we realised that Gareth and Dave had still not returned.

Pieter: The hut was very rustic yet very clean with the sand floor swept and everything appearing to have a place for it. We were all having a look around the surprisingly large hut when the obvious owners arrived back. A tall lanky man followed by a short man with a pot belly. They were cordial but communication was limited to hand signals and we began to feel like we may very far from home. Gregory farted and appeared to anger our compatriots but the mood was calmed when Scully explained to them that this was our sign of appreciation.

Gregory: I farted. I was so embarrassed I could have jumped the wall into the night. Thank the tittied world for Scully.

Dopey: The makeshift front door opened and Gareth came through slowly. Gareth pulled what appeared to be a rusty 9mm Berretta out and I stood back shocked – I could not move. When I recovered I realised it was a Desert Eagle, a popular weapon in the Pinetown area that I grew up in and manufactured by Colt. I was in a youth gang in my early teens and carried a similar model. This one looked as though it had never been cleaned and was in obvious neglect. To everyone’s horror he cocked it and fired it into the ground – a loud shot ringing in the ears. He shrugged off the reaction and began to wave the gun in the air – everyone was absolutely flabbergasted and in shock. Pieter went to talk to him but he seemed out, pointing to the floor and then smiling.

Pieter: Gareth came through the dodgy front door and was smiling. I ran up to him to find out where he had been. He had a gold band or ring in his hand and was he waving it around. I asked him where he got it and he said it was ‘earthly’ and kept pointing at the floor. He seemed happy and shouted.
‘We found Barry Boome’
‘You are joking bru? Where were you?’
‘We found Barry, honest, oath’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah, he is down by the river, I think he was drinking rum with two locals’

Porto: I had lost my gold tooth only to see Gareth waving it around. As I made my way towards him the door pushed opened again and two strangers followed Dave in. They were rough, their clothes worn, as much from the inside as outside and it was obvious they were native to the land. Dave held a bottle and rum in his hand and drank heavily oblivious to all of us around him. He had obviously had a bit to drink and he threw the bottle to the floor, shattering it, and this started the chaos.

Pronkie: Dave and his mates started dancing. I shook my head and sat in the corner. What the fuck is wrong with these guys?

Greg: Pronkie had his 'man-period' that day and sat in the corner with his 'man-panties' in a bunch.

Dave: It was the best party I had been to in years. Everyone loved my two new friends and we had a great time.

Frank: The two locals were furious and produced long spears. They attempted to move us out of the hut and that’s when things started to turn nasty. Kirkland was the quickest to react.

Kirkland: I grabbed the skinny runts spear and snapped it in half, then threw him across to the other side of the hut. Scully started kicking him while he was down on the floor. Dopey kept walking around the hut shouting "fire extinguisher?", I am not really sure what he was doing.

Gregory: I picked up the pot bellied guy before giving him a ‘power bomb’, 'compliments of Captain Insaino'.

Pronkie: Shit hit the fan. We were out of there, running. Everyone was following Dave, who had bolted first. Outside the front of the hut the landscape was incredible and we ran downhill towards a rather large river and estuary.

Dave: I ran. I realised everyone was behind me running as well and we only stopped when we reached Barry Boome. Barry was still out cold but Ojjo was up tending to what looked like a miniature bonsai donkey and giraffe, each about the size of a beer can. I dipped my head in the stream to try to focus but sleep strangled me.

Dopey: We all arrived to see Barry sleeping next to a river. Nobody could figure it out, we were thousands of miles from home and it seemed like we were losing it. Dave had passed out next to Barry and I gave that little fairy a kick in the ribs as I passed him.

Kirkland: I kissed Barry on the cheek, I was so happy to see him. I lay down and must have sharted as I drifted off because I could hear someone complaining and shouting my name.

Ryan: We all just fell asleep, that’s the last thing any of us remember.

Ojjo: We smiled and watched them sleep. Far are the cries, when wounded by the free.

Dopey: Then we woke up on a fucking tennis court. In fucking Thailand.

Dave: With a business card from the hotel stuck to our foreheads. Nobody could find Wiggy.

Gregory: We just could not find Wiggy.